Hello people of the internet,
This blog is a bit darker than my recent entries due to the nostalgic feeling I have today. I usually don't tell people this, but today I just need to vent and let these trapped emotions out. For three years I have done nothing but pretend I was okay. You know the feeling when something is ripped from your grip and feel like you can’t go on without it? For example, take Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet pretends to be dead Romeo kills himself. When Juliet finally wakes up Romeo is dead and so she kills herself. The two young lovers couldn’t live without each other, so they each committed suicide. I can relate because I was in the same position as Juliet. I lost two of the greatest people I knew. How are you supposed to feel when two of your greatest friends die in two years?
"Livvy, your head is always in the clouds!" (JTJ)
I was in seventh grade and my world was perfect; there were birds singing and the skies were as blue as can be. I was so happy with my life I didn’t see what was happening under my nose. I was twelve and was I really supposed to understand what the extra weekends together, the constant gifts, and the new songs were supposed to mean? He showered me with everything that made me feel like I was important; that someone actually wanted to be with me. I thought that nothing could shatter the bridge between our hearts. One day my world came to an abrupt stop in its rotation. We went to a coffee place called Maude’s and there he told me that he was moving. He was moving to West Virginia! It wasn’t that fact that he was moving away, but rather the fact he was moving before one of the biggest dance competitions of the year! We had worked so hard on the dance and he was just leaving. He didn’t even put up a fight against his parents to postpone the moving date. In a selfish way I felt left out and betrayed, but in another sense, I felt like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. The one guy I loved and wanted to be with was leaving to a place where I probably would never see him again! My world was shattered into a million pieces and no one could fix it. A week later I was still upset, but I couldn’t have imagined it would have gotten any worse than it did when I got that crushing phone call. The parents of my beloved JTJ were sobbing over the phone. Finally after a few moments Mrs. Johnson uttered the words, “He’s dead! He was in the car with his brother and on their way down to see you”! My mind went blank and I felt a sudden lurch in my chest. A piece of me died that day, November 16, 2006. I will never forget it. There’s not much more to say after that day other than my birthday was lonely.
“Cry all you want, you can’t change the past, focus on the future!” (NTE)
Two years went but when JTJ had died and I had cried all the tears I needed to. I had found a new guy in my life and I loved being with him. He made me laughed and we had a great time just hanging out when we could. The only problem was that he was a full-out alcoholic and druggie! Through all that staining flaws he still made me feel very comfortable with him. He never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to, so it made me feel like he had respect for me and my decisions. He was just like JTJ, but a bit more wild and dare-devilish. He was the most laid back guy I ever knew; he never cared for school, yet he was one of the smartest people I knew, he was a great guitar player and never cared that he messed up. He filled the hole that was left in my heart. One day he seemed a little tense and preoccupied. I asked him and asked him for days, but he wouldn’t admit what was going on with him. Finally he showed up my house one night when my parents were out and he was sobbing. I sat him down and he admitted everything! I could barely get out what he was saying, but finally I understood. His little sister had a brain tumor that could be fatal for her, since she was young. I didn’t know what to say or do. All I knew was to comfort him the best way that I could. Weeks later they moved here to a hospital in Alabama. He called me on November 17, 2009 and asked me to come up and see him. “How the heck to you expect me to drive up there in the middle of everything?" We had a fight that went completely out of hand! Next thing I knew I got another one of those phone calls that ran over my heart yet again! His older sister said that he was extremely angry and went to go party with some unauthorized substances. Next thing she knew they found him an hour off the border of Alabama and Florida. I was devastated.
So how are you supposed to feel when two of your greatest friends die in two years?
"Life is too short to worry about the trivial things...go out and drink!" (JTJ & NTE)
RIP...peace out...
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Wow, this is a really intense and traumatic story. I never knew that it had happened to you either, which is strange, because we have been good friends for five years. I am so sorry that two of your greatest friends died in such a short period of time and practically in the same day of the month. Though I have had traumatic experiences in my life, none of them relate exactly or directly to your situation and I hope I never will but enviatlibly it will probably happen. You may have heard the saying "Time heals all wounds" well this saying sometimes really pisses me off because its not always true. Some events in life are just too traumatic to be healed fully and may only be healed a little bit. I am sorry that such a sad event happened in your life at such a young and age and which I had something more intelligent to say that "sorry". I know that I sometimes feel that I know that when past events that I have been devastated by come back to haunt me I often close up and don't speak. However, sometimes talking to somebody really helps. I have been told that talking to shrinks really helps because they are unbiased and sort of neutral, but I hate this idea because if I am going to "spill" I want to do so with somebody I know trust and feel comfortable with, and I do not just trust and feel comfortable with new people right off the bat. I am not sure how you feel about this, and I don't know if you have anybody who you talk to about this but if you ever need to talk to me I will be there. I know that your friends were good guys but you will find other people in your life who you form relationships like the ones you had with your other two friends and while that time may be far away it will come. You probably think how would you know you are only my age and your right but I know people who have had similar experiences to yours and watched them survive and move on through with their lives. Good Luck
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question: everybody is different and people grieve in many different ways. I don't think you are SUPPOSED to feel a cetain way, you just do feel a certain way. You can't force yourself to feel a certain way and to do so does not help anything. When those whom I was close to have died I have reacted very differently in each case. In some I have been unable to feel anything but emptiness and was not able to cry for a week. In another, I immediatly cried and did so every night for a month. Neither death was worse than the other but I just had different reactions. You must have been very close to each of these two boys to have grieved for so long though. Maybe the reason you can't move on is because you don't know exactly why you are so upset. I know that might sound weird but it is hard to explain. Maybe you should analyze the exact reasons for grieving so profoundly over each boy, and separtely because they were two different people, before you try to move on. I hope this was helpful and that you can figure some things out.
Chops,
ReplyDeleteYou're right, it's definitely not okay to let things like this bottled up inside for such a long time. It's not healthy for you. Although this is a start to letting people in and helping you understand that it's okay. It's okay to have people hold you and comfort you the best way that they can like the mysterious guitar player that remains unnamed.
Like Chiara nothing of this magnitude has occured to me before, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could come up with something less trite and stupid to say, but the only thing I could do when I read this was put my hand over my mouth and long to hug you. That's all I could think of doing. honestly.
If you ever need anyone to talk to about this you can always talk to me. I promise I'll listen to whatever you need to say or vent about. I'm always here for you.
Decafposer.